Catching Up.

Is it catching up or have I been caught up?
Thats the question that I have been asking myself recently.
My late friends anniversary is coming up in just over a week and in all honesty I have no idea what my feelings and emotions are. Should they be different to the way I felt almost a year ago? Because they're not.
See, thats the problem I am having now, is it ok for them to be the same?

In a logical and educated sense, I dont think it is. I have kind of put it down to my lack of progression and not really putting some of these feelings to bed, as it were. I have speant so much of this last year convincing myself I am fine, that I am good... convincing others that I am fine too. I moved to university and I am persuing my life (however much this is my plan B.) I think, ultimately its a rouge to hide the fact I am still hurting.

Unlike a few of my friends, I dont glorify the friendship my friend and I had, I dont wake up and talk to anyone who will listen about how shit I feel about the situation. I keep it to myself because thats how I want it to be. To have a friend that is so close to you die is devastating, and something clicks in your head that you have to keep everything sacred. Or at least a small element, because a part of grieving is laughing and remembering the good times.

I cannot begin to explain the feelings im having. But imagine the world crashing down, and smashing into a thousand pieces around your feet. Rendering you unable to move, all you can do is stare at the shattered pieces of something so beautiful and so perfect. It wrenches at your stomach, making you unable to breathe... the tears sting at your skin, but they just wont stop. If you try and move away, your going to get hurt so you just stay put. Stuck.

The thing I have to do now is move on. But I am so scared that this means forgetting. In a macabre kind of way I don't want to forget the harrowing screams from my friends, myself and my family when we found out, because that grounds me and keeps me remembering.

I know there is a difference between remembering and being stuck in a moment in time.

I hope that with this anniversary, the first one since her death, I can finally let it out... with one massive sigh and stand tall again. And with her by my side, whichever way she decides to be with me, I can walk forward again instead of looking back.