Is it catching up or have I been caught up?
Thats the question that I have been asking myself recently.
My late friends anniversary is coming up in just over a week and in all honesty I have no idea what my feelings and emotions are. Should they be different to the way I felt almost a year ago? Because they're not.
See, thats the problem I am having now, is it ok for them to be the same?
In a logical and educated sense, I dont think it is. I have kind of put it down to my lack of progression and not really putting some of these feelings to bed, as it were. I have speant so much of this last year convincing myself I am fine, that I am good... convincing others that I am fine too. I moved to university and I am persuing my life (however much this is my plan B.) I think, ultimately its a rouge to hide the fact I am still hurting.
Unlike a few of my friends, I dont glorify the friendship my friend and I had, I dont wake up and talk to anyone who will listen about how shit I feel about the situation. I keep it to myself because thats how I want it to be. To have a friend that is so close to you die is devastating, and something clicks in your head that you have to keep everything sacred. Or at least a small element, because a part of grieving is laughing and remembering the good times.
I cannot begin to explain the feelings im having. But imagine the world crashing down, and smashing into a thousand pieces around your feet. Rendering you unable to move, all you can do is stare at the shattered pieces of something so beautiful and so perfect. It wrenches at your stomach, making you unable to breathe... the tears sting at your skin, but they just wont stop. If you try and move away, your going to get hurt so you just stay put. Stuck.
The thing I have to do now is move on. But I am so scared that this means forgetting. In a macabre kind of way I don't want to forget the harrowing screams from my friends, myself and my family when we found out, because that grounds me and keeps me remembering.
I know there is a difference between remembering and being stuck in a moment in time.
I hope that with this anniversary, the first one since her death, I can finally let it out... with one massive sigh and stand tall again. And with her by my side, whichever way she decides to be with me, I can walk forward again instead of looking back.
Tuesday 31 March 2009
Monday 9 March 2009
Moving Memories.
This weekend has been a long and revealing one, with dashes of hilarity thrown into the mix too!
I returned home for my mothers birthday celebrations, but also knowing it would be the last time I spent time in the house I spent my formative years living in.
The house itself has no 'happy' memories. No real life I suppose. Yes, I had my 16th birthday party there and vomited in the gutter, yes I spent many nights stalking the stairs with friends sneaking to the kitchen for midnight snacks. There have been moments rather than memories.
I found myself sitting on the sofa on Friday afternoon, staring at the wall. Not looking at anything. In my head I was looking at images I had stored. Times when I was punched, times when I was crying hysterically over something ridiculous. Or the time, I shut the door behind me when I ran away for a small while to my Grandparents house. Not one happy memory sprung to my mind.
It was then I was brought back down to earth when I thought of some laughter, some proper laughter. Then I spent time thinking about how I have changed since I moved there. I have grown up there, I have become me there.
In a way, I wont miss that house. That is where my life changed, that is where I found out. It was the worst day and subsequent months of my life. I sit in the dining room and look where I fell because my legs stopped working. They couldn't handle the weight of the grief I had. I look and I hear screams, I hear the piercing scream of realisation and think it can only be a good thing that it wont be my home anymore. But am I putting too much on the house and less on me? Is it a case of transference on my part. Maybe. But, this has worked in other areas of my life. I know that I wont forget the moment, but it has to help not being in the same environment as I was. Surely?
When I left on Sunday afternoon, I paused and reflected. Looking up I saw my old bedroom, and laughter filled my ears as my eyes pricked with tears. Not sad tears. Happy ones. For my family, its a move away from hell, into the light and into a new chapter.
I will join them but with less of the anger and sadness I carry.
So, you can move memories. Good ones. And I think you can leave old ones behind. I hope.
I returned home for my mothers birthday celebrations, but also knowing it would be the last time I spent time in the house I spent my formative years living in.
The house itself has no 'happy' memories. No real life I suppose. Yes, I had my 16th birthday party there and vomited in the gutter, yes I spent many nights stalking the stairs with friends sneaking to the kitchen for midnight snacks. There have been moments rather than memories.
I found myself sitting on the sofa on Friday afternoon, staring at the wall. Not looking at anything. In my head I was looking at images I had stored. Times when I was punched, times when I was crying hysterically over something ridiculous. Or the time, I shut the door behind me when I ran away for a small while to my Grandparents house. Not one happy memory sprung to my mind.
It was then I was brought back down to earth when I thought of some laughter, some proper laughter. Then I spent time thinking about how I have changed since I moved there. I have grown up there, I have become me there.
In a way, I wont miss that house. That is where my life changed, that is where I found out. It was the worst day and subsequent months of my life. I sit in the dining room and look where I fell because my legs stopped working. They couldn't handle the weight of the grief I had. I look and I hear screams, I hear the piercing scream of realisation and think it can only be a good thing that it wont be my home anymore. But am I putting too much on the house and less on me? Is it a case of transference on my part. Maybe. But, this has worked in other areas of my life. I know that I wont forget the moment, but it has to help not being in the same environment as I was. Surely?
When I left on Sunday afternoon, I paused and reflected. Looking up I saw my old bedroom, and laughter filled my ears as my eyes pricked with tears. Not sad tears. Happy ones. For my family, its a move away from hell, into the light and into a new chapter.
I will join them but with less of the anger and sadness I carry.
So, you can move memories. Good ones. And I think you can leave old ones behind. I hope.
Tuesday 3 March 2009
Ushering In The New Phase
So. This is the third blog I have started and I think that I have found what I want to say now. The previous ones have been shrouded with grief, self approval and I guess, vanity.
So this one, entitled 'Life In This Moment' is exactly that, how it is to live in the environment I do and face the things I do.
I'm young, I'm complex and I face new things every day. Some are big, some trivial. But they shape and create me and make new elements of my life, my soul and the universe come to light.
There has been a few moments in my life where I thought I would fall. I thought I would continue to fall but somehow, I didn't. So, its probable that these things will creep into this and its also probable these things are common to people that read this.
I suppose parts of me want to rant and scream and shout because ultimately I think I am more damaged that I would like to let on. Not in the sense that all I seek is approval, because I don't need approval for being me. I approve myself in all I do (trust me - self appraisal always works). Everyone has their own baggage and their own problems, but being an open person I like to talk (or write) about them.
Life is one big test. Some say its a test for the next plane of life. Believer or not, I think this life is one big test and you are the judge. The Governor and the one that decides everything.
Learning this is the hard part.
So this one, entitled 'Life In This Moment' is exactly that, how it is to live in the environment I do and face the things I do.
I'm young, I'm complex and I face new things every day. Some are big, some trivial. But they shape and create me and make new elements of my life, my soul and the universe come to light.
There has been a few moments in my life where I thought I would fall. I thought I would continue to fall but somehow, I didn't. So, its probable that these things will creep into this and its also probable these things are common to people that read this.
I suppose parts of me want to rant and scream and shout because ultimately I think I am more damaged that I would like to let on. Not in the sense that all I seek is approval, because I don't need approval for being me. I approve myself in all I do (trust me - self appraisal always works). Everyone has their own baggage and their own problems, but being an open person I like to talk (or write) about them.
Life is one big test. Some say its a test for the next plane of life. Believer or not, I think this life is one big test and you are the judge. The Governor and the one that decides everything.
Learning this is the hard part.
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